Tuesday, 19 March 2019

The 12 ironies of Brexit

When Alanis Morissette wrote her song about irony she clearly didn’t have much to draw on. If only she’d waited a couple of decades for the gluttony of ironies that have accompanied the Brexit debacle (Some are even more despairing than rain on your wedding day).

Brexit Irony # 1 

The very same people who recoil at the idea of Europeans meddling in our affairs are calling on Italy and Poland to veto any attempt UK Parliament makes to delay Brexit. You either want us in control of our own destiny, or you don't.

Brexit Irony # 2 

Londoners, who wanted it the least, would likely suffer the least. Northerners, who wanted it the most, would likely suffer the most. 

Brexit Irony # 3 

Slogans don’t come much more meaningless than ‘Brexit means Brexit’. It’s still in common use, even though Gove and Johnson - the two key figureheads of the official leave campaign - don’t even agree on what Brexit means, let alone voters.

What do you want for breakfast? Breakfast! What kind of breakfast though? Breakfast means breakfast!

Okaaaaay, get this guy some plastic cutlery and a bib.

Brexit Irony # 4 

Prominent Leave campaigner and British inventor James Dyson has moved his headquarters to Singapore. Curiously, Singapore had just signed a free trade agreement with the EU, affording Dyson all the benefits he encouraged the British electorate to ditch. What a snake. 

I have no doubt that Tim Martin would follow suit and take Wetherspoons to Asia, if only there was a market for pubs that smell of sick. 

Brexit Irony # 5 

A massive part of the Brexit campaign was about tightening up our borders, but the whole thing relies on keeping the Irish border soft. ‘We want to control our borders - but not that one!’ 

Brexit Irony # 6 

The same fervent ‘Rule, Britania!’ flavour of nationalism that fuelled the Brexit campaign has, in turn, increased the chances of the United Kingdom breaking up. Well done, ‘patriots’.

Brexit Irony # 7 

Brexiteers claimed that we must leave the EU because our parliament is no longer sovereign. Today, they bemoan Parliament as it continues to exercise the sovereignty it had all along.

Brexit Irony # 8

The infamous blue passport - one of the only tangible 'benefits' of Brexit - will be... wait for it... made in France. 

Brexit Irony # 9 

The referendum was called by David Cameron with the primary purpose of uniting the Conservative Party. How’s that gone for you, Dave? 

Brexit Irony # 10

Immigrants pay more into the system than they take out. Ergo, they’re literally paying the pensions of the xenophobic retirees who voted Leave hoping to kick them out. 

Brexit Irony # 11 

And if we can’t attract as many EU immigrants we’ll have to find people from further afield to support our ageing population. In fact, to replace all the doctors lost since the referendum we may have to relax visa restrictions. How’s that for taking back control? 

Brexit Irony # 12 

And finally, to bring us bang up-to-date, Theresa May now wants to bring the her deal back to Parliament for a third meaningful vote. She’s hoping enough MPs will have changed their mind, whilst simultaneously ruling out the option of checking to see if the public have changed theirs...